Revelations

Sis 1 here . . .

It is interesting that Sis and I are on the same page with our thinking.  I had just had my own revelations the other day and she had hers yesterday.  So, tagging on to what she said . . .

I had an epiphany.  It's hard to put in to words, but here goes.

The other day, I was talking on the phone to Top (a very close, personal friend) and he asked me what I was wearing.  When I told him lounging pajamas, he said,

1.  "you must be cold natured, because you are always wearing long pants and staying covered up."

My response to that was that I was on the patio and people could see me.  He then said,

2.  "the Sis 1 (insert my name here), I knew wouldn't have cared about that and you must have lost your self-confidence."

Now, I do have self-confidence, but that has been rattling around in my brain for a few days.  It finally became clear . . . I lost my confidence for so many years and now I understand.

For years, Dickhead either would tell me something didn't look good on me or he just ignored me.  I don't think he meant to, but did it nonetheless.

I pinpointed when we stopped going out and doing things.  It was about 20 years ago.  (Yes, I know--long fucking time to tolerate shit!)  I had put on a little black dress, spiked heels, and wrapped this funky snake bracelet around my ankle.  He took one look and told me I looked like a hooker and to put on something less trashy.  Needless to say, we didn't go out that night.

Sidebar:  Top put this in perspective.  Dickhead didn't want other men looking at me.  Instead of soaking it in and being proud of me and how I looked, he was insecure and had to bring me to his level.  It worked for a very long time. {end sidebar}

For the majority of our life together, Dickhead pretty much ignored me and we didn't go anywhere or do anything.  I subconsciously started eating more, exercising less, and kept to myself.  I gained a lot of weight which made me more self conscious.  I started changing my clothing style--dressing more and more like a little old lady.  In other words, if I was invisible to him, I would be invisible to the world.

There were a couple periods--away from him--that I started changing back to the true me.  Both times, I ate better, exercised, and lost a lot of weight.  But once I was back with him, lost the confidence and gained back all the weight and more.

Now, I'm done with that shit.  I eating better, exercising more (although I really fucking hate exercising) and dressing better.  I'm happier than I've been in a very long time and that 17 year confident girl is shining through.  People are noticing--I smile A LOT, I laugh, I'm playful, and little things are not setting me off.  People are coming to me out of the blue and commenting on how happy I seem.  So, while I've been getting happier and this epiphany brought it all home, I have some self improvement still to go, starting with self love (minds out of the gutter).

I've done my time and now the Real Bitch is back!  Some would say, I've always maintained the Bitch, but really, it was a facade, a defense mechanism.  When I say the Bitch is back, I mean Babe In Total Control of Herself.

I am a good person who let an albatross hang around my neck too long.  I am intelligent, witty, and even pretty.  Even if I didn't think so myself, it's confirmed these days by other sources.  Not that confirmation is required, but when you've been hiding for 20 years, it's nice.

Another part of my epiphany was a book I was reading.  Not a self-help book, but a good, old-fashioned mystery/thriller.  The heroine was an older lady that realized she's become virtually invisible to society.  I identified with her and I swear I will not be invisible.  So look out world--I'm back and I take no prisoners.

In the words of Alanis Morissette:

I'm a bitch, I'm a love, I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, I do not feel ashamed . . .
I've been numb, I'm revised can't say I'm not alive . . .

This one was long, but needed to get out.  Until next time, keep it #sassyandsarcastic . . . .

Time to think about ME

So I posted earlier about the big step of having the conversation with the hubs about separating and divorce ... wow, it is amazing the weight just having that conversation and starting the process has taken off my shoulders. I was having bouts of severe insomnia again the last few months and now I can sleep. I still find myself struggling with emotional eating but that too will go away (okay maybe not disappear completely but I will get a better handle on it again) when this stressful week settles down.

The best part was when I realized that I was truly doing this for ME -- not because I hated him or because I wanted someone else but because it was time for ME to be happy even if that means alone!

Time to think about ME ... and I love it!

Keep it #sassyandsarcastic ... and remember, take some time to think about YOU! You will be amazed at how it makes you feel!

#sassyandsarcastic #sistercasm

Seriously, Dude?!

Sis 1 here....

So I get this phone call from a medical supplies company in response to my inquiry... From OVER A YEAR AGO!  Dumb mother fucker says he can get me my supplies cheaper than I currently do.  Interesting because I have fabulous insurance and pay a small co-pay for meds and my test strips are free AND if I need a new meter, also FREE. But, I let him do his spiel and at the end of it, it will only cost me $50 to switch to their company and only $20 a month for test strips.  Now, I know I'm not great at math, but that shit sounds like it costs more than free. I'm just sayin'.

So, no, Jackass, I don't want to switch and thank you for taking 5 minutes of my time that I'll never get back. #smh

In other news, I had the locks changed today and feel really good about it.

Until next time, keep it #sassyandsarcastic....

{{Gulp}}

Sis 2 here -- it has been a long time in the coming but finally revisited a talk with the husband. Gave him a letter on Friday saying we need to separate and then had the big conversation Saturday evening. Weight off my shoulders -- he agreed without a fight. We have lived as roommates that share children for years and while he had grown complacent with that arrangement, I grew more and more frustrated. We told the kids on Sunday and both seem to be fine. In typical teenage girl fashion, the daughter wanted to know if that meant she got double of everything. Next big huddle is telling the crazy old people aka my parents. 

For now (due to financial constraints) we will remain in the same household, I have moved into another bedroom and we will begin the process of separation. 

Will keep everyone posted as the process continues but for now ...  keeping it #sassyandsarcastic 

TGIF Bitches!

Sis 1 here . . .

I know, I know, I've said it before, we're behind on blogging.  So, here's the last month or so in a nutshell . . .

Sis 2 and I went to NOLA and had a freaking blast!!!!  It's really fun when you walk down famous Bourbon Street, stop in different bars and the ALL have your drink ready and call you by name.  I felt like Norm in Cheers.  Or how fun is this?  Walked into our favorite karaoke bar and they remembered me/us from prior years' visits.  I mean, come on . . . these people see thousands of tourists every year and they remember us.  FUCKING AWESOME!

As I previously posted, Dickhead moved out and now I've officially filed for divorce.  A huge weight is off my shoulders (not to mention out of my house).  I feel like I've been stagnating for the last 25 years and now, I'm like a youngster again . . . but smarter.  Woo hoo!

My next trip is for my birthday.  I'm heading to Colorado to see old friends . . . one of whom I've been friends with since 2nd grade and haven't seen since 6th grade.  Another used to work with me and we see each other about once a year or every other year for a minute.  And another whom I haven't seen since 1986.  I can't freaking wait to celebrate my birthday with them.

Finally, the Boy is starting high school in the Fall and I took him to the freshman fair at his new high school.  Freshman Fair is for incoming freshmen to get a tour of the campus and sign up for clubs.  I told the Boy he had to sign up for at least three that night.  What was the first thing he signed up for?  DRAMA CLUB!  He'll be running that place before you know it.

All out of time now.  Until next time, keep it #sassyandsarcastic  . . . .

The Deed is Done

Sis 1 here...

The promised post... I filed for divorce today.  Yay me!

Keep it #sassyandsarcastic....

Life is Good

Sis 1 here...

Once again we are behind on our blog, but just want to say... Life is good.   Details tomorrow after certain deeds are done.

Until then... Keep it #sassyandsarcastic....