Tuesday, April 22, 2014

WTF? Seriously??

Sis 2 here -- 

Just a quickie blog ... hell a quickie is more than I get anyway but I digress ... to vent. 

I was talking with the STBX (soon to be ex) this morning about his new house and the bitchy teenage daughter -- he said "she won't like it because I am not getting cable. I want to get off the couch more and if it is there I will watch it." My response was "I am aware of that" but what I really wanted to say was "No fucking shit? You've been sitting on the fucking couch for years here while I did stuff around the house, dealt with the kids, took up running and working out and whenever I asked you to do something you didn't want to -- watching fucking Planet of Apes was more important." 

I think I should get a gold star or something for my restraint ...

Until the next time, keep it sassy and sarcastic 

Monday, April 21, 2014

Shameless Promotion

Sis 1 here . . .

Just a quickie . . . my new friend and blogging buddy, Menopausal Mother, has a new book coming out soon.  I'm shamelessly plugging it, because (1) I know it will be fantastically funny and (2) someday I may write a book and I'll want to do the same.  LOL!

So, go to her website to get the details here.

Until next time, keep it #sassyandsarcastic . . . .

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Oh Happy Day

Sis 1 here . . .

Today was just lovely so I wanted to share the mood.  I didn't have to go to the office until after a client meeting, so I got to do my walk early in the morning.  The weather cooperated . . . it was cool, but not cold; the sun was shining, but it wasn't beating down.  Then I drove to the BEACH for my meeting. Well, I didn't actually go to the beach, but the office was right there.  Now, I'm not a beach person--I hate sand--but I love to look out at the water.  After a short, but sweet client meeting, I stopped at the cupcake shop that was next door.  I was getting a cupcake for a co-worker who just got a promotion.  Of course, I got myself one too.  It was a "Guiness Stout Chocolate Cupcake with Baileys Irish Crème Frosting (contains alcohol)."  Damn!  It was yummy!

When I got to work, it was peaceful . . . no drama . . . and I got a lot done.  It just seemed to be a no pressure day.

So, I had a great day.  Until next time, keep it #sassyandsarcastic . . . .

Friday, March 7, 2014

Karma Baby

Sis 1 here . . .

Karma is a bitch and a very good friend of mine.  I've talked about what an ass ESD is and how he stole money from me.  His justification was that I would make that money back by April, whereas he didn't know where he would be come April without that money.

Well,  I got two pieces of news today... (1) he's broke and (2) I got a raise today.  To top it off, the raise brought me to a goalpoint in my life.

So,  life is good.  Until next time, keep it #sassyandsarcastic. . . .

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Spring Is Coming

Sis 1 here. . .

I know my sis doesn't believe this, but Spring is coming.  I walked out of the house this morning and that feeling and smell was present.   The feeling is that of a warmer undercurrent in the cool air.  The smell is that of freshness.  That's the only way to describe it.  Plus the time changes this weekend.

So those of you in the cold and snow... This means you,  Sis. . . Hang in there.  Spring is coming.

Until next time,  keep it #sassyandsarcastic. . . .

Monday, March 3, 2014

Hanging on by a thread

Sis 2 here ... 

Recently everything seems to be overwhelming me and I mean EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. I feel pulled a thousand different directions and everyone is dancing on my very last nerve. I am sure it is a compilation of work stress, home stress and being cooped up because of the hateful ass winter we are having but I truly feel like I am hanging on by a thread with no release in sight. 

Do you ever have one of these days/weeks/months? Share and let's vent together! 

Until then, hoping my thread doesn't snap while I am keeping it #sassyandsarcastic. 

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Weather Woes

Sis 2 here -- 

Some of you may know and some of you ... well you need to pay better fucking attention ... may not, but Sis 1 and I grew up together in Indiana. She was the lucky bitch and escaped this place many years ago (I won't say how many because that will age her and then she might hit me the next time I see her) but I have been stuck here. I have tried to make an escape but it is like there is an invisible force-field keeping me here. 

Indiana is sometimes beautiful and awesome - there are some great places and people here - and sometimes it is is awful. There are way too many backward-ass, narrow-minded people for me but ... well that is a blog post for another day. Today I want to complain about the hell of winter here in Indiana!! 

I hate winter ... I mean I despise winter ... let's just say winter can kiss my ass. I don't like to be cold (and by cold I mean anything below 64 degrees) and I hate snow and ice. Snow only belongs in those little glass globes you shake and put back on the table and ice only belongs in my adult beverages. 

This year winter came in strong and earlier than usual -- it started in early December and hasn't left since. We have broken records for the amount of snow for January, February and the winter overall. We have broken records for the number of days below zero -- yes, I said BELOW fucking zero!! It is now March and we are expecting more mother-effing snow tonight -- estimating between 6-8" of the damn white stuff. OMG ... I am in winter HELL. 

I am OVER IT!!! Winter needs to go away now -- there are not enough wine bottles and curse words to get me through much more of this. GO THE HELL AWAY!!

I am cold and sick of it but until next time I am keeping it #sassyandsarcastic 

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Jury Duty Completed

Sis 1 here  .  . .

Well, I finished with jury duty yesterday and a great time was had by all.  I was on for a total of five days . . . That's $80 just for showing up and I saved about $60 in gas because I didn't have to go to work.  Woot woot

The trial was not that big a deal, it was a DUI case.  There were two charges and we came back with a guilty verdict on one--impaired driving, but we couldn't reach and agreement on the second which was the determination of the actual blood alcohol content.  Unfortunately, there were some procedures that the police didn't follow--not horrible infractions, but enough to cause reasonable doubt in the minds of half the jury.  If there was only one small issue, it probably could have been overlooked, but there were several small issues that added up.  So, the second count was declared a mistrial.

I had a great time and the others on the jury were pretty cool for the most part.  As much as I've enjoyed the odd schedule the past few weeks, I'm ready to get back on schedule

Until next time, keep it #sassyandsarcastic . . . .

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Respect the Office

Sis 1 here . . .

I am getting really pissed off at how people are posting shit about my President.  I'm not one to discuss politics, but this is not even about politics.  It's about basic respect for the office of the President of the United States of America.  I mean seriously, I saw a post that said, "Happy President's Day to all the Presidents, except Barack Obama."  Are you fucking kidding me?  Who the fuck are you?  I see posts about impeaching him and I'm still trying to figure out on what grounds?  I still see people saying he is the one that screwed up this country?  Really?  And the ones that have caused me to break off friendships  . . . The ones that wish him dead.  That's some crazy shit, right there.  I'm not saying you have to love the man or even like him, but again . . . Respect the office.  There have been plenty of Presidents that I haven't liked . . . I still RESPECTED THE OFFICE.  Grrr . . . .

Until next time, keep it #sassyandsarcastic . . . .

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Lazy Days and Nights

Sis 1 here . . .

I'm spending my weekends just chillin' these days.  I mean seriously, the last two weekends, I haven't left the house for much of anything.  In fact, I've spent most of the time curled in bed with my books and technology.  I love it.  The weekends just aren't long enough for me.  This weekend though, is three days.  Woo hoo!  So what am I doing?  Computer, Kindle, writing, new magazines to read, four books in progress, study for CE credits for insurance license, scrapbooking, time with the Boy (including a movie outing tomorrow), and watching NBA All Star Weekend.

So, I'm a pretty happy camper right now.  No snarkiness, no sarcasm, just chillin' out and enjoying myself.

Until next time, keep it #sassyandsarcastic . . . .

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Valentine's Day Humbug

Sis 1 here . . .

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day . . . Bah fucking humbug!

I can't remember having a good Valentine's Day since maybe high school . . . If then.  ESD didn't ever do anything for me for Valentine's Day, so I got to the point to not even think about it.  In 2012, ESD and I had our big blow up and that was the beginning of the final stages of our marriage. And in 2013, he gave me the best gift ever  . . . That of him moving his lazy, ass out of my house.  Now THAT was a Valentine's Day gift!

So, tomorrow when I go to work and see the folks with the flowers and candy on their desks and the gushy cards, I'll try not to be too Scroogy McDuck.  I'll try not to call out the girl at work that always buys herself flowers and tries to say they are from some guy.  Seriously!  Every. Single. Year.  I'll try not to make snarky  comments to the girl who complains about her boyfriend every day, but on Valentine's Day, he is the best boyfriend ever.  Ugh . . . Gag me. 

I'll just give everyone my favorite greeting "Happy VD!"  and keep on smiling.  Tee hee hee . . . I think it's appropriate.

Until next time, keep it #sassyandsarcastic . . . .

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Jury Duty Part One

Sis 1 here…

I'm on jury duty this week. I know a lot of people don’t like jury duty and do anything they can to get out of it.  But me? I love it! I'm totally serious. In love being on jury duty. In fact, I'm bummed when I don't get picked to be on a jury.  Happy girl this week… I'm on a jury. I can tell you anything about the case though.

My new friend, MJM, thinks I must have been abused as a child.  I think it's great to do my civic duty. Being the silly nerdy boy he is, he got stuck on the "duty" of it all.  Side note… if you really want to read some funny shit, check out his two blogs… The Nerdy Side of Life and The Insane Asylum…hilarious.

Anyway, enough of him and back to me. Why not embrace jury duty? I get paid from my job, I get a small fee from the courts plus mileage . . . Already, I'm making money on this thing. I don't have to drive as far as I do for work each day . . . So saving even more money on gas. I don't have to wear my work clothes (still have to dress decently though), and the court hours are awesome!  Bonus?! I get to judge someone. Woot woot!  Of course, I'm fair and impartial, but I get to decide. How fucking cool is that?

So, yes, I LOVE jury duty! Hopefully my next post will be about this trial.

Until next time, keep it #sassyandsarcastic . . . .

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Celebrity Sightings Part Deux (That's French for Two, Y'all)

Sis 1 here . . .

I went to another book signing last night.  This one is for Jen Lancaster.  If you haven't read her books yet, you need to.  She is so damn funny and just awesome.  And, for you folks that are from Indiana--she's from Indiana, too, and now lives in Chicago.  If you want a good taste of her writings, check out her blog at Jennsylvania.  She is totally a riot.   She was kind enough to have personal conversations with every person that waited in line for a book signing and she took pictures with everyone.  Our conversation revolved around our twin lives and being sweaty Hoosiers.  She actually wrote those things in my books that I had signed.  Awesome!!!

But, of course I would see her there.  It's her book signing.  The other celebrity I saw was Quinn Cummings.  I kind of expected that she might be there because she is friends with Jen.  Y'all may remember her as litte Annie Cooper on Family or little Lucy McFadden in The GoodBye Girl.  I just love Quinn.  She has a blog that I started following, as well, and her sense of humor is just dry, witty, and entertaining.  You can check her out here, as well at The QC Report.  I tweeted that I was excited to see her and Jen and she "favorited" it!  OMG!  Love social media.

Anyway, it's been a great couple of weeks for awesome celebrity sightings.  I tried not to act too much a starstruck fool.  After all, I friggin' live here.  I'm supposed to be immune. But, I'm not. 

Until next time, keep it #sassyandsarcastic . . . .

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Weather Gone Wild

Sis 1 here . . .

I keep seeing all the posts from all over the US and every single day, I'm thankful I live in Southern California.  I don't think I could handle all the snow and ice anymore, even though I was raised in that shit.  I used to say I can't handle the cold, but with all the hot flashes I have, the cold is a bit welcome.  . . Just not all the time.  Today, I got to make a quick beach trip before going on client visits.  I just sat in my car and looked out at the Pacific and it brought me some inner peace that I've been needing.  And even though today is a bit cold and rainy (cold being around 50 degrees with cold water coming down), I'm still able to function without a heavy coat.  Although I did put on my Uggs when I took the Boy to dinner.  My toes get colder than the rest of me.  So, if you're stuck in the cold (hint hint, Sis 2), feel free to come to So Cal and visit me. 

Until next time, keep it #sassyandsarcastic . . . .

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Gone Too Soon

Sis 1 here . . .

No sassy or sarcastic today.  Today, I just want to say farewell to some classmates.  One I wasn't fond of, but she's gone now.  One I was very fond of and didn't get a chance to reconnect and now he's gone.  Two others I didn't know well, but gone too soon.  These are all classmates of mine who have passed on recently. It's brought home to me to love your friends and family.  Tell them and show them every day.  Don't let asshats get in your way.  Life is too short to allow that.

So, to those who are reading this.  Thank you and sending you positive, loving thoughts.  To my sis aka Sis 2 . . . Love you girlie.

Until next time, keep it #sassyandsarcastic . . . But throw some love in there while you're at it.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

I Need a New Tattoo

Sis 1 here . . .

I love tattoos . . . Now don't get me wrong, I'm not all tatted up; I only have one so far.  And, any tats I have must be strategically located, because of the job I'm in.  I also think that tats should have special meaning.  The one I have is a fleur de lis and I got it in New Orleans.  Sis 2 has a matching one.  For me, that tat symbolized the beginning of the end.  It kept me strong while I was trying to get my shit together to change my life.

Now that my divorce is final, I'm ready for my next tat.  I have it designed.  It will be on my inner wrist . . . An infinity symbol with a double K entwined in it and above it, these words from Shakespeare, "To thine own self be true."  This is to remind me to be true to me and never lose myself in someone again.  It is my symbol for starting over.  I'm not stopping there, I need my dragonfly as a symbol of new life and my hummingbird as a reminder for my family that has passed but is not forgotten in my heart.

So, I need to get moving on these.  I could use some additional funding though.  Taking all donations.  LOL!

Until next time, keep it #sassyandsarcastic . . . .

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Celebrity Sighting

Sis 1 here . . .

I've lived in LA for 24 years and I seldom see any celebrities.  We don't tend to run in the same circles.  LOL!  When I do see them, I tend not to say anything, because I don't want to bother them.  But, I learned a hard lesson several years ago.  I ran into Rod Stewart in a grocery store.  I had a mad crush on that man and I chickened out talking to him.  Missed opportunity.  After that, I vowed that if I saw a celebrity that I was/am into, I will say something . . . without being too obtrusive.  I did that when I met Sean Astin.  We went to college together and we became friends for awhile (along with his wonderful wife who is a fellow Hoosier).  We lost touch after graduating from college.

Tonight, I came home from a book signing.  I've met the author, Sue Monk Kidd, four times now. To me, she seems like family, but she's really a big deal now.  Her new book is the current #1 bestseller (and it's fabulous y'all) and she's Oprah's Bookclub 2.0 choice!   So cool, right?

Right.  But here's even cooler.  I met Blair from Facts of Life, y'all!  Yup, that's right.  Lisa Welchel was at the book signing.  I swear I stared at her the whole time deciding how to approach her.  I finally just went up, apologized for staring and asked if she was who she was.  She was very gracious and kind and confirmed.  I told her how I used to run home from school to watch her on The New Mickey Mouse Club and then saw every episode of Facts of Life.  I had such a girl crush on her.  She was so beautiful and I just loved her.  BTW--still f'g beautiful and looks the same as she did back then.  I think she was a little surprised about the MMC, because everyone knows who Blair is, but maybe not that she was on MMC.  She asked my name . . . which I stuttered out . . . and then introduced me to her friend Michelle (who I apologized for interrupting and she was super nice too).  I did chicken out about getting her autograph, because I didn't want to be too pushy.  But dang, that was really cool. I'm still excited.

So, tonight, was a great night.

Until next time, keep it #sassyandsarcastic  . . . .

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

You Can't Fix Stupid

Sis 1 here . . .

"You Can't Fix Stupid."  I saw this on a bumper sticker once and it hit home. I had been ranting about stupid people and the stupid things they do.  I kept saying I didn't understand why they didn't get it.  Why can't they do what they are supposed to do?  You've been doing a particular job for 20 years and you still can't get it right?  You've been driving since you were 16 and you still don't know how to use a turn signal properly?  I used to get so mad about these things.  I'd yell and rant and get stressed out . . . All for stupid stuff.  And then I saw the bumper sticker.  Now, I don't get mad or stress anymore.  I just say, "you can't fix stupid."  And then I move on. Well, that's not totally true, but I try.

Until next time, keep it #sassyandsarcastic . . . .

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Blog Fodder

Sis 1 here . . .

What is blog fodder?  Well, it's shit that happens that makes me want to write about it.  My divorce, my dating life, stupid shit that happens, funny shit that happens, or just shit I've seen on the internet or out on the street.

Sometimes, shit is so damn funny, that you just can't make it up.  Other times, it's so damn annoying, you just have to get it off your chest.  But more than anything else, blog fodder is cathartic.  ESD does something stupid . . . Write about it and show how fucking stupid he is.  Guy sends picture of his dick before we meet . . . Time to write about it and wonder how he thinks I'd want to date him.  High school antics . . . Never off limits and so much fun to reminisce.

So, this blog is just fodder . . . Filling space while I work out other shit in my head.  Maybe Sis 2 has something to add.

Until next time, keep it #sassyandsarcastic. . . .

Thursday, January 23, 2014

People of Walmart

Sis 1 here . . .

Have you seen those pictures of the People of Walmart floating around in cyber land?  I have no words sometimes.  When I first see the words, "People of Walmart," I take offense.  I shop at Walmart all the time.  I'm a true capitalist and want the most bang for my buck.  I won't apologize for shopping there, so please, no lectures about the management ethics, etc.  My bottom line is my wallet.

Ok, moving on.  When I open the pictures of the People of Walmart, I cringe.  I mean seriously people . . . WTF?!  People are out there shopping in their underwear or worse without underwear, they have stains in places you don't want to know what the stains are, they wear the most outlandish clothing styles, have the fucked up hair styles, and are just plain nasty.

The funny thing is . . . I've never once seen anyone at Walmart dress like these characters.  It makes me wonder where these folks are.  Mainly, I want to know so I can avoid them.

Seriously, if you want a gut busting laugh, go to http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/.  You're guaranteed to either laugh or cry . . . Or maybe both.

Until next time, keep it #sassyandsarcastic . . . .

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Travel Time

Sis 1 here . . .

Today, we talk about travel.  I love to travel!  I love to pack and re-pack, and re-re-pack, and re-re-re-pack . . . Yeah--I change my mind a lot so I pack several times until I get it just right.  I have learned that if I don't do this, I end up taking way too much stuff with me that I don't use.  And if I wait until the last minute, I end up forgetting things I need.  Now, I do have a travel packing list for the basics, so I seldom forget that stuff, but every once in a while, I'm very thankful that the hotels usually have the amenities I need.

When I travel, most of the time, I take road trips.  The cool thing about road trips, is that you really don't have to limit what you're taking with you.  If it fits in the car, you can take it.  If you don't need it, you don't take it out of the car.  I did one cross country trip where I took the microwave, coffee maker, and entire week's worth of groceries with me.  It came in handy.  When you stay at no-tell motel, you may not have these in your room and going out to eat on a fixed budget is a no-no.

One thing that I've learned about traveling by airplane though . . . If I can't carry it up and down four flights of stairs, I don't need it.  I refer mainly to my visits to New Orleans with Sis 2.  We always stay at the same place, in the same room.  It's a great place, but there are no elevators and we are on the top floor.  The staircase is winding and the banisters are shaky.  The first time we went, I was totally over packed.  I didn't think I'd make it up the stairs and worse was going down.  After that, I started packing less (and in a couple of instances, had a good male friend to lug that shit for me).

I just spent a weekend in Las Vegas.  I go there several times a year, so it's not that big a deal.  It's kind of my home away from home.  I know I don’t need much, a couple of changes of clothes, toiletries, and my electronics.  This time,  I had a rolling bin with a cooler in it with alcohol (can't leave the alcohol at home for the teenager and friends to be tempted).    It seems like I still take too much, but I can't seem to go with fewer than two bags.  I'm going back in two weeks, and I'm challenging myself to only one bag (and not a suitcase either).  I'll let you know how it goes.

Ha . . . Update before posting . . . I left a shit ton of clothes in the drawer in Vegas.  Damn!

Until next time, keep it #sassyandsarcastic . . . .

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Chauffeur Commedienne Extraordinaire

Sis 1 here . . .

Teenagers are fun!  No seriously, I mean it.  Most of the time, they drive me nuts, but a lot of the time, they are just plain fun.  My favorite time with my teens (and by my teens, I mean The Boy and his friends) is when I'm chauffeuring them all over the place.  You see, my teens know that I will drive them pretty much anywhere anytime.  And, while I can't wait until they can all drive themselves, I don't really mind driving them everywhere.

When my teens get in my car, they fight over the front seat to sit with me.  I've had to put a rotation in place so they will shut up . . . Teen girls are especially high-pitched whiny.  They love sitting up front because they get the #sassyandsarcastic up close and personal and they love it.  I don't censor myself with them as far as language and what not.  They play a game every time they get in the car of "what would you do if?" . . . For example, What would you do if we made the Boy drop out of school?  Response--I'd punch you in the throat.  They love that shit.

They also love that I don't let the Boy get away with bullshit.  He can be a mean girl sometimes and they don't always know how to respond to it.  I put him in his place whether we are alone or with the others.  I love my Boy, but he's not allowed to be a mean girl.

They also love that I crank the radio and sing along.  At first the Boy would get mad for me singing, but the other teens told him it's cool.  Now, he just rolls his eyes and if it's his turn in the front he sings the harmonies with me.

So, that's why I love my teens and think they're fun.  I'll probably have another post about why I hate teens and think they should all be locked away from society in another post, but not today.

Until next time, keep it #sassyandsarcastic . . . .

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Why Do Men Want to Sext . . . Instantly?

Sis 1 here . . .

Ok, so you know I've been out there dating for awhile now.  I tried the online thing--met a few guys and kicked them all to the curb.  Some of them were nice, some were really hot, but all of them play games and lie.  Oh--that's a whole other blog topic.  What I want to know is, why they all want to sext me almost instantly?  I mean really . . . I'm not a prude and I can write some pretty tawdry words.  In fact, I can rock your world just in a text.  But, that doesn't mean that when we first meet that I want to do that or want you to.

I've had some guys after the first text start talking about what they want to do to me or me to them in very graphic terms . . . Sometimes accompanied by pictures.  Come on man!  I'm trying to make sure my teenage son doesn't sext his junk to anyone and grown ass men are doing it?  BTW--you might also want to wait on sending you picture that way . . . It's not always a go-getter, if you know what I mean.

So, here is my advice to you boys that want a real woman . . . Stop sexting and start talking.  Take her for coffee or a drink.   Talk about your life and hopes.  Listen to her life and hopes.  If you have some connections there, go out again.  Rinse and repeat.  You should not be sexting anyone, unless you're in a committed relationship with them.  Then it's fun and spices up your love life.  If you're not in a committed relationship and sexting, then you're just a pervert.


Until next time, keep it #sassyandsarcastic . . .

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Boob Food

Sis 1 here . . .

Boobs.  Did I get your attention?  Everyone loves boobs, right?  Whether you're male, female, gay, straight, baby, grown up . . . It doesn't matter.  Some women complain about their boobs--either too small, too big, too saggy.  But what we don't talk about is this . . . Boob food.  I'm not talking about breast feeding.  BTW--how awesome is that?   I'm talking about the day-to-day dilemma.  And this may not apply to all boob owners, but here's what I deal with every day.

I'm eating my meal, snack, whatever . . . The crumbs and sometimes even large bites end up in my bra. Every. Single. Time. I. Eat.  It doesn't matter if I use a bib or put my plate/bowl right under my chin, a la old fashioned Catholic communion, I end up with a full meal in my bra.  Now, sometimes, I struggle and dig that shit out as soon as it happens.  After all, bra crumbs are not comfortable.  But other times, I can't be bothered.  At the end of the day, I take off my bra and voila . . . Instant evening snack.  Ok, ok--I know that sounds gross and I don't really do that.  But, damn!  I could feed a small country with the waste.  Kinda like the loaves and fishes.

My new dilemma is this.  I was in a very long term relationship, so boob food was not an issue.  It was the status quo.  Now that I'm out there dating again, what happens if I decide to do the horizontal boogie?  I mean really.  What if the new man is going for the score and comes up with half a PB&J sandwich?  For some reason, I don't think he'll find that sexy.  Here I am in my sexy Vicky's Secret lingerie (ok, the Walmart equivalent) and he's all turned on, off comes the bra and presto . . . Here's your appetizer?! I hope you don't have allergies. Bwahahaha . . . .

Something to think about.

Until next time, keep it #sassyandsarcastic . . . .

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Continuing Tales from a Teenage Alcoholic: Bathroom Beer

Sis 1 here . . .

So many of our stories revolve around alcohol . . . SMDH . . .hence the title of the series . . . .

In our continuing saga, one time, Sis 2 and I took the fan bus to our sister, small town (the same one from the previous post) for a basketball game.  Back then, we liked to drink Little Kings.  In case you don't know what these are, they are small bottles of English Ale that fit great in our purses or boot tops.  So, we loaded up our bags and headed to the game.  While there, we went in the bathroom and started passing the drinks around.  Wouldn't you know it?  Some nosy ass adult came in and told on us.  The next thing we know, the authorities are telling us that we better come out right now.  So we did, but they didn't search us.  Whew!  But, they said when we get back to school, they will search our persons and our bags.  Yikes!  Frantically, we are trying to figure out what to do.  After all, we still have several bottles left and we don't want to dispose of them--that could get us busted too.  So, we ask my ex-boyfriend, who was older (let's call him TD) to take our bags back and we'll meet him later.  He refused, saying he doesn't want to get busted, because he is now over 21.  Panic time . .. What to do?  Our savior came in the form of one of our friend's dads.  He took our bags back and met us off of school grounds and gave them back.  That was pretty cool, right?  (Note--he would have killed his own daughter for doing this.)  Looking back now, as a parent, probably not so cool.

We thought we got away with it all, but on Monday morning, we got called into the Dean's office.  He tried to get us to get us to crack (he got one girl to give us up by threatening her with expulsion), but remember, I had been through some shit before, so I knew all his tactics.  Sis 2 and I planned all weekend so he couldn't do anything to us.  The worst he was able to do was keep us from going on the fan bus to away games.  Since he had no proof, my dad got pissed about that and gave me gas money to drive to the games.  Way to go, Pops!

And I wonder why my child acts out?  SMDH!

Until next time, keep it #sassyandsarcastic . . . .

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Continuing Tales from a Teenage Alcoholic: Call My Uncle

Sis 1 here . . .

So, you know that Sis 2 and I grew up in a small, Midwestern town.  Unfortunately, racism was rampant then (and to a lesser extent, still is).  Sis and I though, we didn't care about skin color--still don't. And, at the time of this story, we were both dating black men.  I was dating Top and she was dating Little B.

So, one night, we decided to drive to our sister, small town for a party.  We took my car, a 1972 Dodge Dart Swinger, and proceeded to have a blast.  On the way home though, Top had to drive because I was very intoxicated. Imagine that!  So, we're driving along and all of a sudden a Deputy Sherriff (DS) pulls us over.  When Top asked why he pulled us over, DS says, "I pulled you over because the car you're driving looks like one that was reported stolen tonight."  Really?  A stolen 1972 Dodge Dart Swinger in 1984?  Come on now.  So, he asked for license and registration, which we gave him.  He got more suspicious because the license was Top's, and the registration was my dad and me.  He started giving us a hard time.  So of course, in our drunken state,  Sis and I  went off.

Now, keep in mind that Top and Little B are trying to shut Sis and me up.  They understand that bad things can happen to two black men in a car with two white women.  Sis and I hadn't yet gotten that memo, but we knew it was some racist bullshit.  So, we yelled at DS and told him he's a racist shit and a liar on top of it all.  He told us he was going to take us all to jail.  That's when I got really mouthy and told him to "call my uncle." He said I could use my one phone call to call my uncle.  I told him that he really didn't want me to do that, because if I called from the jail, he was going to lose his job.  You see, "my uncle," was the County Sherriff (CS). He wasn't really my uncle, but a very close family friend, who I called Uncle.

So, DS decided maybe he should call CS before he ran us all in.  So, he called dispatch who called CS at home.  CS ripped DS a new asshole and we could all hear it.  Not only did DS pull some bullshit on his "niece," but Top and Little B were star basketball players at our high school.  Oh yeah . . . Don't mess with our basketball players.  Ultimately, DS let us go and we headed home.  It's a fun, great story, but also sad commentary on the times.

Again though, now that I'm a parent, I hope my kid doesn't do this stupid shit.

Until next time, keep it #sassyandsarcastic . . . .

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Continuing Tales from a Teenage Alcoholic: Where Did All the Light Bulbs Go?

Sis 1 here . . .

My favorite New Year's "memory" is that of 1984.  Sis 2, and I stayed at our friend's house (we'll call her Apple Girl).  Apple Girl's mom went out of town for the holiday, and trusted Apple Girl to stay home and take care of her younger brother.  Of course, we all thought we were doing that while having a fantastic New Year's Eve party. 

We started drinking early in the afternoon and by 9:00 pm, I was on the bathroom floor, bowing to the porcelain god.  By 10:00 pm, I was passed out on that same floor.  How sad, I was going to miss midnight, the ball drop, and Dick Clark.  I had help though, another friend (we'll call him Texas) picked me up off the floor and carried me into the living room so that I could do the final countdown with everyone.  Thanks, Texas!

The best part though, is the next morning, as we are hung over and cleaning up, Apple Girl's mom calls and says she is on the way home.  She's early!  Shit!  So, we frantically clean it all up and get out so that Apple Girl won't get into trouble.  We don't hear anything from her for days.  Finally, when we get back to school on Monday, we find out that (1) we cleaned too well, so mom knew something was up, and (2) someone stole every frigging light bulb from the house, and Apple Girl had no explanation.  Needless to say, Apple Girl's mom didn’t want her hanging around with us any more.

The good thing is that we are all still friends today and can look back and laugh about it all.  The bad thing is, we have children who are just like us.  Yikes!

Until next time, keep it #sassyandsarcastic . . . .

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Happy New Year

Sis 1 here . . .

On behalf of Sis 2 and me, wishing you a happy new year. Here's to a better 2014 than 2013, which in itself was better than 2012. Expect to see more sassiness and sarcasm from us in the coming year.

Until the next time, keep it #sassyandsarcastic . . . .